To every boy(friend) I ever hurt - I was so obsessed with myself at 13, and 14, heck, I really didn't get any better until I was 17. I was selfish and stupid and always wanted what I couldn't have. Nice guys finish last? You bet they did. I'm sorry.
To any girl that was ever the butt of my jokes - It isn't funny or fun to laugh at someone else's expense. It was often a defense mechanism but that is no excuse. I wish we could have all gotten along, I really do. It's the high road for me from now on, I'm sorry.
To all the teachers I was a rotten student to - I should have listened. I should have made more of an effort. I was caught up in the crowd and cared more about my social life than my studies. You continue to inspire me every day. I want you to know that you didn't waste your time and efforts on me. I'm getting it together for next year. I will rock uni.
Highschool huh... Man I miss some of the people I met there. Especially the ones that moved away. One in particular. I just hate people that really meant something leaving my life. Like relationships... how can someone that meant so much mean nothing now? Why don't we keep contact? Why don't we drop by and say hi? Why is it all or nothing with some people. I don't talk to either of my exes now and it saddens me a little.
*sigh* Do you ever wish you could rewind? I constantly feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I am wasting my life in this little town. 6 months. 6 months more. Hanging in there. I just sometimes feel suffocated. And creatively squashed. And better than this. I can't wait to be free. Where the net isn't my only outlet.
Ramble ramble ramble.
11 comments:
Honey don't worry, we all feel this way. Growing up we do dumb things because we are doing just that, growing up. We don't know any better. Don't beat yourself up, everyone feels this way, everyone has made mistakes.
I know what it's like to feel stagnant and like you're "wasting" your life waiting for something in the future. But you're not wasting your life. Look at all of the contacts and friends you are meeting through your blog. Look at the scrapbooking skills you're gaining. And more than anything some day you're going to be able to relate to someone stuck out in the middle of nowhere, feeling like life is passing them by. And you'll be able to say "Hey, it gets better. I know, I've been there".
Hang in there sister.
I know exactly how you feel. For the better part of my last year here, I felt like I was literally rotting away in my little town. I mean, everything valuable that you learn in high school isn't what the teachers teach you from a textbook. It's the life lessons and growing up that matter. Hang in there Ebs, and I would advise that you do your best to make every single day count :) Do something that is important to YOU, write, draw, sew....take up a new hobby. Make the time count even if you're stuck someplace waiting for new chances/opportunities :)
I wonder why it's always school that plays on our minds? I can guarantee that whenever I'm stressed I will dream about being back in school/being bullied at school/not knowing the timetable and not fitting in. I don't care about it as a day to day thing but obviously my subconscious worries about it!
Rambling is cathartic, don't apologise for having to exhale all that negativity lovely! You've got so many wonderful things in your life (you know this, I'm just reiterating), you current boyf who clearly adores you, your friends, things always look better in the morning and there are so many opportunities that you're gonna have to take advantage of. Try to see the silver lining chickadee, I know exactly how you feel about being so constrained in a tiny town ♥ Claire @ Jazzpad
oh love, we all make mistakes.
god knows i did.
i don't want to go back.
ever.
I'm so happy I stumbled across your little piece of web- it's good to find someone who writes the things you're thinking, and I've been thinking about this lately as well. Just know that everything you do, every decision, is all just baby steps leading you up to your great story. And if you changed just one thing, you wouldn't be you and who knows how your story or life would be affected?
Anyhow, lovely blog, pictures, and everything-- I'm a follower now!
modestjune.blogspot.com
And also, I'm so glad you don't have a CAPTCHA-- so very annoying those are!
Yeh I like to think about rewinding to the past a lot! I think the school years can define you but so much changes after. I've been out of school for nearly 8 years now and I still think about it all the time.
And your apology reminded me of Caught in the Crowd by Kate Miller-Heidke.
Hey Ebony, Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog, have you seen the giveaway I'm currently holding? I don't want you to miss out :) Vikki xxx
i think it's great that you're acknowledging your past behaviors. it's part of growing up.
ohh man, high school was a big, fat mess (but i loved it! haha). i do miss everyone though...but i can't imagine hanging out with them the same way. it'd just be weird. i only really keep in touch with a few of them.
<3
Hey, just stumbled across your blog and happy to see you're from WA! Hows winter over here? Can't be too cold can it? I grew up in Melbourne and lived in Perth from 2006-2009 before moving to Canada! This post felt very relevant for me. I wish it wasn't "all or nothing' either. I guess it's necessary though in some cases.. as much as it hurts :( Gotta move on from people I guess.. the process of life. Following your blog now :)
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