Being sick sucks

DAVID'S TEAM WON THEIR FOOTY GRANDFINAL! :D But David broke his nose in the process... Yep. He's done it twice before, but I haven't had to clean the blood off his face in the locker rooms while a guy plugs his nose... he got it strapped and played the game out. I'm pretty proud of him for that. And he said I was an awesome gf for helping him get back out there. Totally makes up for my absence at every other game this year right? Anyway, it's gonna need to be re-broken by a professional (they say to leave it 7-12 days) and we don't have anyone that can do that our crappy little hospital, so that means flight expenses (yep, there goes $500 on a return trip) and time apart.

I hate being apart. And I hate being sick. I have zero motivation to do anything. Still have to go to work and it's just wearing me out more ya know? So there's no energy left to cook proper meals, or exercise or clean. My brain is so zapped I can't even comment on blogs... it's an effort to read them. And David's been away the past two days on a big celebratory bender with the boys... I totally understand and am not like "I want you home!"... I mean footy season is over so I will have him another 3 nights a week for the rest of the year, but I do want him home. It's no fun being sick alone. Being alone in general sucks actually.

I did bake a cake Sunday. From a mix. It sucked. Hummingbird Cake; banana, coconut and pineapple flavoured... I thought it would be the pick me up I needed. It was disgusting. I dunno whether it's the icing or the cake or the fact it smells and tastes like various alcoholic beverages... but it was a fail. Adding to my bad mood.

I want a flippin proper camera. I've had enough of this point and shoot crap that can't take photos at night, or long distance, or inside without flash. I'm saving up for a Canon 550D SLR... and by that I mean I want to save for one. I'm terrible at saving money. Absolutely shocking. Any converts out there that can give me tips on how to change my ways?

Anyway, that's a whole bunch of ramble! My goal for tomorrow is to get up half an hour early and get on the wii fit. Endorphins! That's what I need :)

An Open Apology

To every boy(friend) I ever hurt - I was so obsessed with myself at 13, and 14, heck, I really didn't get any better until I was 17. I was selfish and stupid and always wanted what I couldn't have. Nice guys finish last? You bet they did. I'm sorry.
To any girl that was ever the butt of my jokes - It isn't funny or fun to laugh at someone else's expense.  It was often a defense mechanism but that is no excuse. I wish we could have all gotten along, I really do. It's the high road for me from now on, I'm sorry.
To all the teachers I was a rotten student to -  I should have listened. I should have made more of an effort. I was caught up in the crowd and cared more about my social life than my studies. You continue to inspire me every day. I want you to know that you didn't waste your time and efforts on me. I'm getting it together for next year. I will rock uni.

Highschool huh... Man I miss some of the people I met there. Especially the ones that moved away. One in particular. I just hate people that really meant something leaving my life. Like relationships... how can someone that meant so much mean nothing now? Why don't we keep contact? Why don't we drop by and say hi? Why is it all or nothing with some people. I don't talk to either of my exes now and it saddens me a little.

*sigh* Do you ever wish you could rewind? I constantly feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I am wasting my life in this little town. 6 months. 6 months more. Hanging in there. I just sometimes feel suffocated. And creatively squashed. And better than this. I can't wait to be free. Where the net isn't my only outlet.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Using MY space.

It's been a year since the official date of my dad's death. It still isn't any easier to think of him and retain a smile. I often find myself thinking there is no point is savouring accomplishment, because he will never see it. He never met my boyfriend. He never saw me drive a car on my own. He never got to congratulate me for getting into university...

Last night I got pretty upset at a 'friend's' place. The entire night they were joking around about my pale skin and ranga hair (real original stuff) and I let it slide off me until they brought up the scrapping again... It started to stick. In real life people seem to just want to tear me down. I dunno if it's their way of trying to build a rapport, but it sucks. It happens everywhere I go and I'm sick of it. I've told them previously I don't enjoy it but they kept pushing and pushing and pushing. I ran down the road and when David picked me up I was hysterical. Sometimes I feel I don't belong here.

Like him. I guess he felt he didn't belong here. I wonder what he'd say to me if I he knew I was having these feelings. I just feel extremely alone. Is it so hard to ask for nice friends? Friends that wanna treat me as well as I treat them? I'm no saint, I've taken a joke too far before at the expense of someone else. But unlike the people I'm talking about here, when I realise or when they say something, I stop, I apologise, I don't do it again.

I'd be angry if I could feel emotion today.

Angry at people who tear down others to make themselves feel better, angry at myself for letting them win last night and angry at my dad. Because what he did was selfish and after a year I still have the same unanswered questions that he may never answer. Like I told my nan, if there is an after-life I am going to kick his arse before I let him know I still love him.