Lately I haven't been one to start healthy eating plans, or gym sessions, or new diaries (I have an amazing 365 book I've been filling every day) when they are normally started; Mondays, the day after a big night out or at the start of the year. But the time has come. To start a new blog. All me. All real. None of this "I'm too scared to share" crap, and I hopefully won't get myself into situations I don't really want to post about.
This year has been pretty turbulent.
I broke up with my long term boyfriend David. Which meant having to leave the security, the usual and my furbabies behind. Although it was a long time coming, it was no excuse for me moving on straight away with Craig. I was in puppy love and smitten with the fact we had so much in common, but I even knew it was a bad idea at the time. Not so much the falling in love, but the moving in and going from the child in a relationship to the mother. It was stressful and although we were constantly together, I don't think I'd ever felt more alone. And now I don't need to imagine how hurt David was. Because after all the fun Craig and I had, we went into too much too soon and it wasn't right for us. One Wednesday, (well, our 5 month anniversary to be exact) I went to see a psychologist for the first time. To talk about my daddy issues. I cried a lot and didn't think I mentioned Craig in a negative light at all. But it quickly turned to talk of us and to quote my psych; "You're putting unfair expectations on him and this won't be the first time he'll let you down." "He needs to grow as a person." "You feel victimised, but it's only you making it so." So I bit the bullet. I broke up with Craig. That night. I still tear up now thinking about that night. We were two separate people pulling in totally different directions with our actions. Neither of us wanted to give and that's what ultimately made my decision for me. I moved into my step-dad's house north of the river and after the messy blame game and break-up relations it's well and truly over for both parties. Craig has a new girlfriend (hence the knowing how David feels) and without going into details I don't think we can ever be friends, although my heart still twangs a little admitting it. This song pretty much sums it all up.
And now I'm on my own. For the first time since I was 16. And now I'm living like a child at my parents. For the first time since I was 17 and a half. And I've never felt more alive. Some days it's hard; the skies seem dull, the air stagnant. Sometimes I wake and ache for the early morning footsies. But every day is easier and I actually cry less than when I had someone to cry to. And now I need to say goodbye to the past chapters of my life contained in these pages, and move onto bigger and better things. 2012 has to be better, because I honestly hit rock bottom somewhere around October. Now I'm on the up & up and feeling good about it. Please join me on my new blog Adventures of Ebony. Has a nice ring to it huh?
