Dear Diary...

Getting a bit like that isn't it?
I feel like I can't possibly write about anything until I've vented about all the crap going on in my head as of late.
Last Tuesday I kissed a boy. It was awkward. I don't want to take it any further. It just made me realise how easy Craig and I was. And it scared the crap out of me. Because I didn't (and don't) want to be back with Craig anytime soon, or those feelings to even re-develop. So I messaged Craig saying I couldn't be friends and continue on as normal straight away because I still loved him yada yada. I couldn't catch up with him the next day as we had planned. I needed space. He got angry, he got sad, I got unusually calm. That was that.

24 hours later he messages saying that his heart was broken. Can't live without me. Wanted to start over being friends and eventually fall back in love with me. And I am stunned. Numb. Knocked off my feet. I don't think this is what I want so I play it cool with "let's not talk about this over text or the phone".

I spend all day NOT thinking about him but then I'm driving home from dropping Nath off and I go past the turn off to my old home. I'm such a sucker. I message Craig saying we need to talk and we end up talking it out over the phone because I don't feel like I should have to make the effort to go back there and he doesn't want to come all the way up to see me at my parents.

Long and short of it. He's kissed Jo. His co-worker. More than once. He doesn't regret it. Or think it was a mistake. And he wouldn't take it back. This is all just what I can re-call. Because again, all I really remember is feeling numb. I ended up telling him about Tom because although I wasn't going to, I feel like honesty is the best policy. And all Craig said was he didn't need to know that. I shouldn't have told him.

So fuck knows where that leaves us. This is what I do know...
- I don't see myself being in a relationship with Craig for a very long time, yet I can still picture us growing old together.
- Neither of us is willing to give an inch on making the time to see eachother; me because I did that in the first month and all Craig did was lie about where we stood, one way or another. And Craig because he doesn't want to get hurt.
- I can't wrap my head around dating. But I'd like to. Starting with Mario Kart speed dating at 1UP. Stay tuned!