It's called a break up because it's broken.

Well then. Yes the title means the worst and best (and mainly worse) thing imaginable has happened. Craig and I have broken up. I say worst because it hurts my heart, I spend a lot of my down time drinking and it could have been well avoidable. I say best because, well, I don't want to seem like a complete fucking emo. That and now I really have a chance to find myself.

My name is Ebony and I like tea. Without sugar. Sometimes honey. Always soy milk. I even add soy milk in black teas that don't necessarily need it. And I'm talking a lot of milk. Mmmm milky tea.

Apart from that I really have no idea who I am. I haven't been single since I was 16 years old. Not for a day. Okay, maybe my relationship status on Facebook (or myspace back then) reflected that I wasn't connected to anybody, but that's never been the case. I have always had someone else's thoughts in mind. Someone else's feelings to consider. Someone to care for and share with and fall asleep thinking about. It was cosy. And I haven't really regretted any of it. I've learned alot along the way....

When I was 13 I learned that I had a power. And was easily pressured into doing grown-up things. I wanted to prove myself. I was starting to become attractive to boys; with my big forehead, red hair and gangly legs. I wasn't able to make up my mind and I often didn't have to; stringing along more than one at a time with the promise of a french kiss and maybe a little more. I grew up way too fast.

I cheated on nearly every boyfriend I had in highschool; I think it all stemmed from my first. I was in grade 1 and he was the year above. He was a tall lad with quite strong arms; he pushed my friend and me on the swingset at camp all afternoon so naturally he became my beau. We were all sleeping in a hall; boys on one side and girls on the other... but we were attached by the fact he was wearing my maroon scrunchie on his wrist while he slept. Yep. It was love. Haha. Fast forward to the morning camp finished (which may or may not have been the next day, I don't remember) and instead of manning up and telling him it wasn't going to work out, I let it get back to him by telling my swing friend that I only had a crush on one boy. And it wasn't our resident pusher. *sigh*

My teen years were a blur of boys and boyfriends and I didn't really like living at home very much. I starting playing touch football and fighting with my year 12 boyfriend, badly. Cue David. He was the first older guy I'd ever been with. And we moved in together almost instantly. Not just because of the first sentence in this paragraph. I truly believed I loved him. But I wasn't ready. And I knew this at the time. But I did as I thought was normal when you care about someone. You give them what they want. They're were amazing days, weeks, months. But there was some fucking hard times too. My Dad committed suicide and things were never the same after that. They couldn't be. I couldn't be. But for so long I put off getting help. I was broken and so my relationship could be nothing but in the end.

Breaking up with Craig is still too fresh to go into details, it still stings to think about it. I'm sitting in the room we shared for months and I'm still getting used to the idea that I have to move out. That part is hard. I feel like I put everything into this relationship that I could at the start and I just burnt out. Money. Career decisions. I sacrificed everything because I was deeper in love than I'd ever been. We used to joke about couples fighting; we decided we were perfect. When really we were too stubborn and stupid and too proud to admit we needed to talk. Needed to vent. Needed to be honest with one another. We took it for granted and in the past week it got to the point where there was nothing left to fight for except the butterflies. I dunno, I think I'm just rambling emotionally now.

In short; breakups suck. I don't really want to move in with my parents and be a kid again but maybe that's exactly what I need. Me-time. Selfish time. Family time. Friend time. Time to find myself. I think I also need space too, alone. So the hunt is on. And the worms are out of the can. I'm not all smiles and energy. I'm strong because I'm scared. But I'm going to be ok. I have to be. Sink or swim :)